3 Questions to Avoid Feeling Disconnected or Directionless in Life
Exploration
“So tell me, what is your long term vision for life? What are you dreaming of, or working towards these days?”
These are questions I ask pretty much everyone I work with, and what I’ve discovered is that most of us really don’t know the answer. We don’t have a long term vision or plan, and actually the question makes us squirm in discomfort.
Like I’ve just asked when you last went poo and what the texture was like. (This is actually a common question as well, but much easier for people to answer!)
It feels uncomfortable and I can sense the struggle for my clients, I recognize the feeling from my own experience.
It feels strange and embarrassing to be talking about dreams and goals and life visions when we’re grownups!
But it’s a discomfort that is essential for our continued enjoyment of life, so I push clients into the wilderness to explore what comes up.
The Survey
To some degree we get handed the plot of our lives:
You go to school, you graduate, you do more school, you graduate, you get a job, you fall in love, you buy a house, you have babies, you raise your babies, and then… what?
We go through life ticking things off, we reach for goals and accomplish them, we challenge ourselves, we grow and fail and along the way, we check the boxes.
Not in a bad way, life is beautiful and these are beautiful things!
But then, like many of the clients I work with, we get to a place where we honestly don’t feel like we know what the heck makes us happy anymore, or what we are working towards.
We could be questioning if we ever did know, we wonder what is important to us, what our values are, we wonder if we even know what we like or if what we like was actually based on what our ex liked.
We might feel lost and directionless, unsure where to focus our energy, what makes us feel whole and happy, what brings us joy.
Maybe we don’t know who we are and what to do — so when someone puts us on the spot and calls us out, it feels uncomfortable.
I like to sit in that discomfort, the same as my own coach does for me.
Sitting there in silence to see what comes up, knowing that whatever is said is a beautiful place to start. There are no wrong answers, but there are layers, and I want to get to the geographical layer.
The base in which a map is built on.
Orientation
At the root of every life vision, goal setting or dream mapping, needs to be the belief that we are worthy of our desires.
Trusting that we are worthy of our dreams, like a six year old knows she can be a doctor, rockstar, and tree scientist all at the same moment in her life.
We need to be emotionally attached and invested in our goals, to feel excited and hopefully a little nervous about them, and to feel real joy when we imagine them coming true.
We need to let go of the need to rationalize them, criticize them, talk ourselves out of them, or let our fear take them over.
We need to trust that having big, bold dreams is a beautiful gift to our life, and to let them smoulder inside of us like a fire that we continuously tend to.
We also need to let go of our need to control them.
We’re making a map, not a life sentence. It’s about the journey, and it’s about enjoying the voyage as much as we can while staying focused on the destination.
Without a sense of worthiness, investment ,and excitement; combined with letting go of our fear and obsessive desire to control the outcome – our goals are just cool ideas that come in and then drift off.
No anchor.
When we know where we want to go, with deep and committed emotional attachment, we will keep moving, we’ll keep trying, and keep course correcting. Reminding ourselves always, that it’s about the journey.
Anchored.
Coordinates
Three questions that you can ask yourself in all areas of your life are:
What do you want?
Truly. What is really important to you? What do you REALLY want?
2. What does that look like?
You need to have a clear idea what you’re working towards! Not some abstract concept that you read on the internet that sounded cool. What do YOU want, and what does that look like TO YOU?
3. What are you going to do to get it?
Yes, you need to be willing to DO things and change things and work to get it. This isn’t about sitting in your dirty sweatpants visualizing your destiny! This is about getting clarity on what you can do to move you forward on the map you just created.
Ask yourself these questions when it comes to relationships, career, health, wealth, joy, play… whatever! See what comes up for you.
If it’s really hard, ask yourself these questions daily with a pen and paper for a month, or reach out to work with a coach to help you untangle your thoughts and find the threads that are woven into your fabric.
It might take a hundred tries for us to land on something that feels interesting, but that’s all we need. Just one little thing that feels interesting enough that it creates a small shift in our energy and becomes something that pulls at us. That pops up in our thoughts as we go about business, and maybe wakes us up a bit earlier, or keeps us up a bit later.
Curiosity and intrigue.
Then, just when we have it, part of our brain creates an endless list of roadblocks.
Getting Lost
Self criticism and judgment, uncertainty, worry of how we will appear, what other people will think, rationalizing, excuses… fears.
They get loud.
It’s no wonder we stop dreaming and reaching!
It feels foolish and awkward like a teenager, silly like a child, and yet, it’s dangerous like living a life without an abundance of intrigue and joy.
Perhaps we just haven’t been asked in so dang long we forgot that it was even something to examine.
As adults we’ve lived so long ticking boxes, being responsible, and taking care of business that the idea of contemplating our most desired future seems outrageous and silly.
Maybe reaching for a life that we really, truly feel excited about seems too far out. Too far away.
I can observe in my clients, and myself, a lack of permission to dream about these things. (Just to be clear, THIS is your permission slip.)
When we don’t let ourselves imagine something bigger, brighter, and more amazing than ever before, we’re letting our fears be bigger than our potential, and we slowly stop dreaming.
Lost in the fog.
Landmarks
Creating a home tree.
When we get lost in the forest it’s advised to find a tall tree and use it as your touchstone. A place to come back to as you slowly begin to explore your surroundings and get the lay of the land around you. This is your home base.
Recently I had a conversation with a client about this an the struggle involved, and she said, “but Gwen, I don’t want to become an angry, bored old fuddy!”
Well, this is the antidote to that.
The truth is our dreams, desires, and destinations will change many times over life, but don’t ever be fooled into thinking this isn’t still an essential part of adulthood.
We are never too old to create a new map. In fact, I think the older we get the clearer and more exciting the map can get! Once we give ourselves permission to explore the edges.
We create our own home tree. Something clear and strong to move from.
When we live without any ideas of where we want to go, or what a life we want looks like, we will stay exactly where we are.
If you’re life is overflowing with satisfaction and joy, this isn’t the practice you need, but if there are parts of your life that you would like to improve…
Do work. ;)
If you have questions or would like to book a session to discuss this further, feel free to email me or fill out the appointment application form. And don’t forget to share this with anyone you feel might benefit from an expansion of joy and life satisfaction.
Xox,
Gwen, FMCHC
*For those of you who notice the heavy cartography language here, this comes from my childhood spent on the ocean. We used nautical maps and compasses to navigate life back in the day, and I felt lost at least half of the time, but it’s a memory of great fondness that I will never let go of!
And after years of trying to figure out how to tap into my own internal compass, I realized I just needed to start asking more questions and letting myself hear the answers.
So I wish you the willingness to lean into your curiosity and the courage to hear the answers.
