When I was young I partied really hard and drank way too much as often as I possibly could, and was constantly looking for approval and acceptance from people that had zero interest in me.

And I know, you might be thinking: Well, she sounds like she was a hot mess! I was. It was a messy time in my life and even though it feels a bit yucky to talk about, it will all come together to make sense in a minute…. 

This started when I was too young and continued until I was too old, and then gradually I started to feel sick and tired of hating myself, and trying not to notice how much I hated myself by drinking and partying and being wild and outrageous. 

BUT, the really weird part is… it was also very comfortable. 

I knew exactly how I could take the edge off, I knew it would be fun and I would laugh, and that seemed good. 

But, as mentioned, I did start to notice I wouldn’t actually feel great about myself, but… it STILL seemed a lot easier than any other option. 

Here’s why this weird share maters: 

Because there are a lot of us that have gotten very comfortable with the behaviours and actions we do to try NOT to feel and notice how much we don’t like our life or our relationship or our job or our body or ourselves…

We have gotten really good at numbing ourselves instead of feeling – and the crazy part is we’ve bought into the idea that it’s better. 

That it’s less painful to numb our pain than it is to actually feel the pain and figure out how to do something about it. 

For me, that looked like drinking.

It was a lot easier for me to drink and pretend like life was a barrel of roses instead of dealing with the fact that I thought I was a broken and worthless person that people would only like if it looked like I was a party.

It was easier to drink than it was to feel how alone I was. How scared and lost I was. It was easier to drink than it was to face how worthless I felt. 

For me it was drinking, but for some of my clients it’s overspending or over-scrolling or zoning out on shows, or chardonnay time or ice cream time, or late night snacking, or overeating, whatever... 

And it doesn’t need to be done in outrageous excess like it was when I was young, but it’s whatever action our brain has associated with escaping…

Like NEEDING that glass of wine at the end of a long stressful work day because it’s the only thing that takes the edge off how much you hate it. 

Or NEEDING the bag of donuts so you feel like you’ve had SOMETHING special for yourself. 

Or NEEDING to stay up late binge watching something because we haven’t had a second to ourselves all day… 

Whatever it is that feels like comfort but is actually a false pleasure in the way that, yes we get a dopamine hit in the moment, but the long term outcome is negative. 

We’ve created a behaviour at some point in our lives that seemed to help, and now it’s causing its own suffer loop — but the idea of changing is so dang scary we just keep doing it so we don’t have to feel how bad it might feel to face our shitstorm. 

But here’s the kicker, we do these things to avoid feeling bad, but they’re making us feel worse, and often making us sick – so we not only feel bad our circumstance or whatever, and about ourselves, we ALSO feel physically, mentally and/or emotionally bad! 

All in the name of avoiding our shit. 

We’ve gotten really, really good at COPING with things we don’t like instead of DEALING with the things that are causing us to cope. 

But what would it be like to actually spend time unpacking what is making your day so stressful and DECIDING how you’re going to navigate through that. Or how you’re going to sprinkle your life with things that make you feel special and not like garbage. Or how to work self care and TIME for yourself into your life so you don’t feel completely depleted or like a shell of a human by the end of the day. 

Or letting yourself feel feelings you’ve been avoiding. Or actually acknowledge that your relationship is a sinking ship at the moment. Or that you have issues with boundaries. 

Or maybe you’re like me and have twisted up beliefs that you created in your childhood and youth, but aren’t actually true… only you’ve never taken the time or worked with a coach to help you see otherwise.  

 And listen, I know our first response to these things is always to tell ourselves there’s nothing that can change, but that’s a different conversation for a different day, OR worth hiring a coach to help you navigate.

I reached a certain point and I just couldn’t stand myself anymore, and I couldn't stand all the actions I was taking to avoid how much I disliked myself. 

It got so bad that actually facing my feelings was better than avoiding them! Gasp.

So I did, and I still do. 

Here’s what I want you to know: the things we do to avoid feeling our pain are usually worse than feeling our feelings.

Understanding that by avoiding we are still suffering, and, often our avoidance is the keystone in our lack of health and happiness.

The behaviours we’ve developed to numb ourselves are what’s causing more pain, and we know that to some degree, but they still seem easier or better than actually healing our shit. 

Once you start feeling and then dealing with your life it can be scary and hard and sometimes important to have help, but it’s also when life starts to feel alive again. 

It’s absolutely a combination of hard and good, but in an endless pursuit to avoid the hard we ABSOLUTELY don’t make life good, so maybe it’s time to try something new. 

When I was young I got really good at coping with how much I disliked myself instead of DEALING with the roots, which were the beliefs and thoughts that made me want to numb myself. 

As a loving reminder: this isn’t something we do once in a while, it’s daily work.

It’s deciding DAILY to go for a walk instead of a wine. It’s being quiet and actually listening to your thoughts and feeling your emotions instead of scrolling or zoning out. It’s journaling about hard things instead of telling yourself you don't have time. It’s sitting down to eat instead of standing in the fridge or pantry and shovelling food into your face so you feel too full to feel. 

So actually get honest with yourself and what actions you’re doing on the regular that are to ‘help’ you ‘cope’ with your life – it can be very powerful to ponder what it would be like to actually be able to DEAL with your life. 

Xox,

Gwen

PS. If you’re curious about working with a coach, schedule your free consult. (Links on the homepage or the work with me page.)