This is part two of the exploration of Self Confidence and Self Esteem.

In part one I talked about the recipe to boost our confidence, and I’ll share an overview of that at the end, but I really wanted to lean into the shadows of our self confidence journey, and what gets in our way, and kind of just hold some space for that. 

The first thing I want to talk about is the very real experience of

The EBB AND FLOW OF SELF CONFIDENCE. 

The reality is sometimes we’re going to feel like we’re DOING IT and IT’S WORKING and like we’re nailing life… and other times we will feel like a worthless pile of burning garbage.

This is ok. It’s a bit tough, but as far as I can tell, it’s just part of the journey. 

There are a million reasons why this might happen: from hormones to lack of sleep to maybe having too many glasses of chardonnay over the weekend… whatever. It all impacts our self confidence and self esteem. 

I want to kind of normalize it. 

For myself because this is something I deal with, and also for you, and all of us. 

Sometimes I feel like I’m doing great; I’m a great mom and wife and friend, and I’m taking care of myself and I’m doing good work and things are good and I feel really positive about life.

And perhaps the very next day I will feel like garbage about myself. 

Now, I am doing the work to help me move forward and out of this place, but it still happens. (See the blog called 5 Tips for Building Self Confidence for more on this topic.)

And I KNOW it happens to most of the people I know and work with, so I want to normalize it. 

When it’s normal we don’t need to get attached to it and let it define us. We can let it move through us like water flowing down a creek. 

What we do not want to do is make a dam and cause it to pool up and get stuck in our mind, then get emotionally wrapped up in it, which leads to us sitting in that pool of garbage and only seeing all our failures and weaknesses and what total crap we are. 

No! Let’s not do that! 

The thoughts come up, notice them, imagine them flowing past  like a springtime stream or a wave pulling back out into the depths of the ocean, and let it go. Into the flow of the the stream, or getting lost far out in the depths of the sea.

Really visualize it. 

We don’t need to get hung up in it, that stops us from doing the steps I talked about in the last confidence blog. (And also podcast!)

This is really big because the less caught up we get in our negative or fearful thoughts, the less likely we are to believe them deeply, and THAT will help us move back towards creating a strong foundation of self love or self esteem or self confidence or all of those beautiful things. 

Next up I want to talk about 

Attaching our WORTH to the success or OUTCOME.

This is an issue. 

When we attach our worth or confidence building to achievements, or the actual success part of the process, we might be perpetuating the concept that we are only worthy of feeling good about ourselves if we are succeeding. 

YES, it is SUPER important to be building evidence of success and succeeding into our personal database in order to actually be creating the self confidence building loop. BUT it is not at all attached to your self worth. 

Now, I’ll be honest here with you, this comes up often. So I really do recommending poking some holes in these thoughts and ideas if you can. 

Where do these beliefs come from? Are they true? Do I believe them only about myself, or about the people I love? Does this belief serve me somehow? How am I living my life with this belief? Who would I be without them? 

(Some of these questions are from Byron Katie's book The Work, which even a quick google search can give you some powerful framework for breaking free from the stories you’ve been lugging around all your life.) 

Ultimately what we need to know and understand with BOTH our head AND our HEART is that our self worth is NOT dictated by our success or our failures. 

And setting ourselves up with tiny goals that we can succeed at over time is a beautiful way to start building trust and confidence, but NOT an indicator of our self worth. 

(I think next week I might do a podcast/blog about learning to love and accept ourselves so be sure to keep an eye out for that, or subscribe! Would you like these emailed to you? I’m never sure where people are at with email lists these days!?)

Sorry, bit of a digression there!

This bit of sauce is HUGE when it comes to the EBB AND FLOW of our self confidence. 

So you want to make sure that you are not attaching your worth to the OUTCOME or SUCCEEDING and instead want to focus more on the EFFORT and the long haul PROGRESS.

The DOING part of all your actions and tiny goals… if you’re wondering why I keep talking about tiny goals you’re going to have to go back to the first blog entry on Confidence!

This is especially big for my hustlers and my perfectionist, and for my entrepreneurs and anyone who is trying to build something into their life that feels BIG and important. 

The natural antidote to this is to be SURE you are ABSOLUTELY CELEBRATING your EFFORTS and tracking your progress over a long period of time, and noting the tiny wins. 

Every single day. 

What did you succeed at TODAY? 

Of course this is easier with tiny goals that you’re working on daily or weekly, but those BIG DREAMS that you’re working towards can be harder and more elusive. I get that.

BUT, the tiny goals can be linked to those bigger ones, and without ANY doubt they matter.

And no matter where you’re at, YOU ARE WORTHY.

And that you are TRYING, shows you that. 

Ok? Does that make sense to you?

Your effort is showing you that you are WORTHY. 

Next we need to:

CHECK OUR THOUGHTS

Naturally we all have our shadow and our sunshine thoughts.

Our shadows, or fearful thought centre remind us endlessly that we are useless and a total failure, and that we can’t do anything, and we shouldn’t even try because it’s never going to work for us, and who do we think we are anyway!? 

But then, most of us DO have the thoughts that are a bit like sunlight shining through the clouds, making what I for some reason call “god rays”, do you know what I mean? 

When the sky if full of big rumbly clouds, but then, the clouds part in just a way that sunshine comes blasting through… it’s beautiful. 

Those are our sunshine thoughts. 

They tell us: we have good ideas, and good intentions, and we are worthy, and we’ve been working so hard so why NOT us, and all those thoughts that feel like hope.

Like the bright rays of sunshine blazing through the clouds.

HOPE.

The deal is, WE NEED TO CATCH WHAT IS GETTING THE MOST AIR TIME IN OUR MIND. 

What thoughts are the loudest? 

What are your first thoughts about your day, and who you are in it?

What are your thoughts about yourself if things don’t SEEM to work out? 

Check in. 

What is on your mind? What is playing OVER AND OVER again? 

Are they thoughts that are serving you? 

Do you see that these are at the foundation or core of it all. Of everything. 

What we think is entirely in our control, and yet, most often we, myself included, just let things run amuck up there without any awareness of how they affect our life.

And actually, studies are coming out on how our thoughts impact our HEALTH. 

It’s not actually surprising, but it’s powerful information to have as we navigate the mess that can be in our mind. 

So, what are your loudest thoughts, and are they serving you? 

Working at this will change everything in your life, and still, the ebb and the flow is real. 

So loop back up there if you need. 

I want to touch on one other thing and that’s: 

WHO ARE YOU HANGING OUT WITH? 

You’ve probably heard some version of “we are the sum of the 5 people we spend the most time with” which I think I is attributed to a guy named Jim Rhon. Maybe.

I sometimes wonder about this though because I spend most of my time with a 7 and a 10 year old, so who knows how that’s working out for me! 

BUT!

Is your closest network of people supportive of you?

Do you feel like you have a safe and encouraging place to share and celebrate and brainstorm ideas? 

Do they lift you up and blow wind into your deflated sails?

I know I keep saying everything is HUGE, but this is HUGE. 

We need people, or a person, who holds this space for us so we feel seen and heard and celebrated.

Of course I truly believe that having a coach is spectacular, but also not essential if it’s not where you’re at right now! But be sure to look around, and if you don’t have a friend group or family member that holds space for your growth, seek out new people. 

I know, it can be scary, but there are 8 billion of us here, so no matter what, you are not alone with whatever you’re working on or through. 

You are not alone. 

Find your people, even if it feels uncomfortable.

I think about my own coach and realize that so much of what she does for me is hold safe and non-judgmental space for me to pour everyting out, so it doesn’t get caught up inside and end up on loop. So I don’t end up sitting in a pool of my own self lothing.

It’s the creek and the dam situation!

And like any good coach, she also has a list of my wins and progress and workshops new ideas and blows wind into my deflated sails…

I love my coach.

Turbo recap: 

Number 1. 

We are going to have the ebb and flow of self confidence, and the mission here is to NOTICE the thoughts and imagine them flowing through us and away. No attachment. No building of dams. 

Number 2. 

It is SUPER important to be building evidence of success and succeeding into our database, but it is not at all attached to your self worth. The work here is to break away from ideas of perfectionism and make sure you are CELEBRATING your efforts and your long haul progress. 

Number 3.

CHECK YOUR THOUGHTS. What’s on loop? What are the loudest things in your head these days, and are they serving you? You want to be getting curious here, and really questioning what’s going on in the old thought box, and then poking holes in them, or letting them flow out into the depths of the sea.  

Number 4. 

Who are you hanging out with? You want to make sure that you have support and a safe place to share. We do better when we do shit together. THere is no denying it. 

LEt me know if any of these jump out for you by coming to hangout with me on Instagram at https://www.instagram.com/gwenjohnsonofficial/

Because I love hearing from you.

I wanted to also add a mini recap of the first CONFIDENCE BUILDING blog, so here it is!

Five Tips For Buildng Self Confidence

Number 1. Confidence comes from SUCCEEDING at things. This means we need to set small, slightly uncomfortable goals for ourselves that we can and will ACTUALLY succeed at. 

Number 2. Confidence comes from being in ACTION. This means we need DO things! We need to be doing things to create change, which of course, feeds into number one.

Number 3. Confidence comes from building TRUST with ourselves. The process of building trust with ourselves creates confidence.  See number 1 and 2. 

Number 4. Confidence comes from CELEBRATING our achievements. This is how we actually create the emotions that help us feel successful. SO FREAKIN IMPORTANT! Ok!? Don’t skip this one.

Number 5. Confidence comes from MAKING DECISIONS. When we hone our decision making skills we connect to our intuition, our instinct and build trust with ourselves. 

Now, thats just a quick overview, so if that made you’re brain open up to curiosity, jump back and listen or read the full episode/post to learn more. 

Thank you for being here, you really are spectacular! 

Please share this with your people if you got any value here, it makes a HUGE differene for me as I grow this community to get those shares, so send it out! ;)

If you want to hangout with me more, please join me on instagram at https://www.instagram.com/gwenjohnsonofficial/ for regular bits and boosts of goodness. 

Kindness for a million days, and don’t forget…

You are worthy, you are enough, and you are loved. 

Gwen